attractive and thought provoking essay

    Please turn my Santa Clara admission essay into a creative, attractive and thought provoking essay. There should be no grammatical errors, and the flow of the essay should be very smooth. In the attachments is the essay to rewrite.

    Below is the prompt for the essay:

    Discuss those career objectives you expect to achieve five years from graduation and how an MBA/MS degree, particularly one from Santa Clara University, will help prepare you for those objectives.
    How the school will help:
    •    The MBA program has diverse background from people who just came out from college, to professional. With greater diversity, I will be able to learn many aspects not only from listening to lecture but also when discussions.
    •    Not only focused on big corporations but also for small businesses. I wanted to start a small business myself, so the MBA program will fit my need.
    •    The location is in the middle of Silicon Valley which is filled with many startup companies, and where there are many chances of great connections with outside of the campus.
    •    I appreciate the openness towards startups in Silicon Valley when starting a piano school. In Japan, there are so many people who are talented though their skills are not accepted for they do not fit employment prerequisites. For example, it is unthinkable for me to start a piano school in Japan since I did not graduate from conservator. When I opened a piano school, I figured out the factor that students or their parents valued was the enjoyment in learning piano and quality of lesson rather than my background.
    •    My future goal as a wine party host: A large majority of people ranging age 20-30 are not interested in drinking wine. One of the biggest reasons is not the taste itself but the image of wine; the wine often has image of upper class, need knowledge in order to appreciate the taste, and that it is for elder generations who like showing off their intelligence. Understanding more about the appellations of where it is made and brand characteristics will surly make wine more interesting; however, the wall to entering into the world of wine is very high. After volunteering in wine parties (which will be indicated in the second part of the essay), I figured out that once people enter “the world of wine,” they enjoy the wine, the sophisticated people who drink wine, and the elegant environment. I wish to create an environment where people who are not familiar with wine will feel welcomed. In addition to holding party, I would like to invite many musicians to play who already has enough skill to perform as a professional but is not well known for lack of chances. I understand musicians’ need of locations to perform because I gave up becoming a professional musician (too high much of a risk since only a small amount of professionals could live as music as their job).
    •    Another reason of my interest in management and marketing was when I was studying about wine in college. While going into winemaking field, I was shocked to recognize that the price of wine is often not only determined by the wine quality but brand image (including wine label). For example, our class once had experience if we could rank the wine from high price to low price. What we figured out that majority of students guessed $30/bottle wine was much more expensive than $3,000/bottle wine. The wine that fails to satisfy customers’ expectation will have negative quality; however, I believe the image and environment where they drink the wine is what affects wine the most.

                                                                                                                                      Order Now